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I’ve been getting and reading this for over 10 years.  I think my brain damage, however, is attributable to something else.

The website is http://www.mikeysfunnies.com/

but I get them via email.  You get the joke of the day and a thought for the day.  Mike used to work for youth specialties, a Christian group, so all of his stuff is clean, and sometimes funny.  Enjoy.

Mikey's Funnies is generously hosted by Agathon Group, website development and hosting with a ministry heart:

http://www.agathongroup.com/

fromMIKEY=========================================

What follows is our twice-yearly compilation of Thots from the last six months of Funnies.

Enjoy...

Mikey

today'sFUNNY===========================

~ A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.

~ A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

~ A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but touches your heart.

~ All that wander are not lost...but most of the rest of us need a GPS just to find our pants.

~ Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.

~ As for me and my mouse, we will serve the Lord!

~ Be moderate where pleasure is concerned - avoid fatigue.

~ Before entering a battle of wits, check your ammunition.

~ Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.

~ Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.

~ Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

~ Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

~ Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

~ Experience is that thing you have just after you need it.

~ Football is not a contact sport; it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.

~ Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

~ Genius is perseverance in disguise.

~ Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.

~ Happy RamaHanuKwanzMas!

~ Have you ever seen anyone actually laughing all the way to the bank?

~ Having abs like a six-pack is nothing. I have abs like a barrel.

~ He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.

~ He who hesitates is not only lost, but probably several miles from the next freeway exit.

~ He who hesitates is probably right.

~ He who laughs last thinks slowest.

~ He who lives in a glass house should change his clothes in the basement.

~ He who lives in a glass house should not invite in he who is without sin.

~ He who sees only half the problem will be buried by the other half.

~ He who throws mud loses ground.

~ Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

~ HELP WANTED: Telepath. You know where to apply.

~ History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.

~ Home is where you hang your @

~ Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

~ Honk if you love peace and quiet.

~ Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

~ How can I miss you if you won't go away?

~ How can someone "draw a blank"?

~ How can there be self-help groups?

~ How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

~ How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

~ How do you throw away your old garbage cans?

~ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire when you can't start a camp fire with a whole book of matches?

~ How is it that when you eat a 1 pound bag of M&M's you can gain more than 1 pound?

~ How many mimes have died because no one believed they were choking?

~ How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

~ How would we measure hail without golf balls?

~ I am a bomb squad technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.

~ I am a mental tourist. My mind wanders.

~ I am a Nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.

~ I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious self-righteous people around me.

~ I am having an out-of-money experience.

~ I AM in shape. Round is a shape.

~ I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

~ I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

~ I am not evil. Just divinely challenged.

~ I did NOT escape. They gave me a day pass.

~ I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

~ I didn't trip. I was testing gravity. It still works.

~ I don't mind going to work. But that 8-hour wait to go home is awful!

~ I eat my coffee straight from the can. Why dilute it?

~ I had a life once... traded it for a bigger flash drive.

~ I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.

~ I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

~ I have a mind like a steel ... you know ... doohicky.

~ I have a super power. I can read my own thoughts.

~ I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ I have to power walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

~ I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

~ I know a guy who does the work of three men...Moe, Larry & Curly.

~ I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?!

~ I like long walks, especially when taken by people who annoy me.

~ I lost my mood ring today. I don't know how I feel about losing it.

~ I love poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.

~ I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

~ I made a mental note, but forgot where I put it.

~ I thought I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some jerk with a torch, bringing me more work.

~ I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

~ I used to think middle age had to do with age, now I'm finding out it has to do with my middle.

~ I'm not odd or strange ... just quietly rearranged.

~ If crime doesn't pay, does that mean my job is a crime?

~ If it doesn't matter who wins or loses, then why do they keep score?

~ If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.

~ If you're going be late, then be late! And not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

~ If you're going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

~ If you're worrying, you're praying to the wrong God.

~ In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

~ It's better to tell your money where to go than to ask where it went.

~ Just thinking about The Wizard of Oz...just why did they give the heartless Tin Man an axe?

~ Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

~ Live each day like it's your last. One day you'll get it right.

~ Love is lovely when it's easy, but much truer when it's hard.

~ My mind is like lightning. One bright flash and it's gone.

~ My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

~ Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.

~ Our greatest hopes and our worst fears are seldom realized.

~ Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every person has many, not on your past misfortunes, of which all people have some.

~ Remember that Triumph is just a little "umph" added to "try."

~ Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

~ Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

~ Sign in a John Deere sales office: The only machine we don't stand behind is our manure spreader.

~ Small minds discuss persons. Average minds discuss events. Great minds discuss ideas.

~ Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.

~ The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, "Well, she looks good, doesn't she?"

~ The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts the moment you get up and doesn't stop until you get into the office.

~ The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

~ The road to success is always under construction.

~ The sign said "Eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les.

~ There is great need for a sarcasm font.

~ There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

~ There is only one exceptional child in the world...and every mother has it.

~ There's always a lot to be thankful for, if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

~ They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em.

~ Today I'm gonna make yesterday jealous.

~ Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

~ We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

~ What if the Hokey-Pokey really IS what it's all about?

~ What was the best thing before sliced bread?

~ When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine "Fred."

~ You spend the first 2 years teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.

~ You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

today'sTHOT============================

Refer above...

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